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What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is
not the source
your pleasures that wage war in your members? (James 4:1)
Marital squabbling, like all other conflict, springs from
ungoverned lusts. Mr. Smith has a fetish for the latest power
tools, and so his fiscal goals clash with those of Mrs. Smith,
who thinks children ought to wear shoes to school. This kind
of pastoral problem is as common as flies at a church picnic,
and usually as easy to squash.
But if money problems hover about a troubled marriage like
flies, then sexual conflicts do so like mosquitoes--almost
as common, and potentially a bit nastier. One form of sexual
conflict that routinely descends upon couples, especially
new ones, is the ol' "Victorian maiden marries XXX film
producer" problem. In other words, the husband and wife
have vastly different sexual expectations. George wished he
had married the sexual equivalent of Xena, Warrior Princess.
And Eunice picked up her conjugal paradigm from the frozen
foods section of the supermarket. And now here they are in
your study, with flushed countenances and averted eyes, waiting
for you to fix it.
Ultimately this problem, like almost every other marital problem,
can be traced to the husband's failure to lead. Indeed, even
if it is the wife who is entertaining unbiblical notions and
the husband is the pillar of orthodoxy (not likely), it is
the husband who is to exercise a sanctifying influence. As
in every area of obedience in the home, he is responsible
to lead the family to greater and greater faithfulness.
Worldlings (and many modern evangelicals
by implication), believe God has a thing or two to learn about
sex. But God is not mocked. Unbiblical notions of sex on both
ends of the continuum are patently unsatisfying. Reject God's
counsel, and you are doomed to roam a sexual desert, trying
to squeeze water out of rocks.
Given these things, couples have plenty of motivation to take
their thoughts captive--informing their minds and consciences
of God's standard. But consciences, by design, turn as slowly
as an aircraft carrier. As both husband and wife pursue biblical
thinking about sex, what should they do until they are one
mind?
The second greatest commandment applies
nicely to the marriage bed. Each spouse should be selflessly
seeking the satisfaction of their mate. "Do not merely
look out for your own personal interests, but also for the
interests of others" (Phil. 2:4). This verse ought to
be tattooed prominently on the forehead of all would-be-grooms.
Generally speaking, men need remedial courses in selflessness
--especially regarding conjugal relations. And in our scenario,
that means several things. First, it means patience. As he
and his beloved grow in their biblical understanding and practice
of sex, he must be as patient with her growth as God is with
his. This means not trampling over his wife's conscience by
asking her to perform sex acts against which her conscience
cries out. This principle applies even to lawful sex acts
(when the wife's conscience is misinformed), but especially
to requests springing from a lewd and unbiblical imagination.
Second, while he is patient with his wife's progress, he is
impatient with his own. He has a holy zeal to think God's
thoughts, and not Hugh Hefner's, about sex. He is acutely
aware of his deficiencies, and thus uses great alacrity and
diligence to extract the knuckle out of his head. This will
require a study of two things: his Bible, and his wife. A
study of his Bible will inform him that God grants lovers
great freedom within certain bounds. As Christians we should
enjoy the freedoms while honoring the bounds.
But he must also make a study of his wife. God commands husbands
to "live with {their] wives in an understanding way"
(1 Peter 3:7), or more literally, to live with their wives,
"according to knowledge." In this, many of us have
failed. Women are complex creatures, and men thick of skull--so
this is a matter that requires close and sustained study.
As we do, we will learn to approach our wives with wisdom
and selflessness (see 1 Thess. 4:3-5), and lo! discover our
wives to be warm and responsive women.
And now we turn to the wife. She too is required to look to
her husband's needs, without capitulating to bizarre and unbiblical
requests. "Not looking out for [her] own personal interests"
means understanding her husband's frame. Generally speaking,
his sex drive is higher, and thus it's a good bet that sometimes
he'll be interested when she's not. Selflessness for her means
enthusiastically meeting his needs even if she is tired and
out of the mood. Of course, if he is obeying 1 Peter 3:7,
this scenario will occur less frequently.
Wives must look out for their husband's interests and not
only their own. But his interests can be looked after without
violating the conscience. If the conscience is not biblically
informed, then she should obey her conscience while working
like the dickens to inform it biblically. She should not think
she has the leisure to ponder these matters as if she were
taking a stroll-in-the-park. She must love God with mind and
body, and that means believing God's word, and putting it
into action without stalling.
In this way, though husband and wife differ greatly in their
understanding, they are moving together at a rapid clip. And
while they are closing the "sexual expectation"
gap, they are exercising patience with one another and preferring
the other to themselves.
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